No no no!! Don't TELL ME!

A friend of mine tried phone sex, tried to tell me about it and I pretended to listen. I guess I’m actually a prude when it comes to listening to DETAILS about my friends’ sex lives. The trouble is, I have a graphic imagination and the more details you give me, the more I picture it and then I have to stuff my fingers deep into my ears, clamp my eyes shut and SCREAM “La la la la la la la La La La La La La LA LA LA LA LA LA LA….get out of my head, you moron…get out of my head…GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY GODDAM HEAD!!”

Trust me, its sooooooooo much worse when your friends are doing it…I mean, this one boy you NEVER ever even thought of in those terms, who you’ve always thought of as a good friend who is completely A-sexual coz it was better not to even think that he had “that” side to him…EWWWWWW!…and your really good friend…ew ew ew ew ew! Too bloody much information!! And imagine that really good friend actually WANTING to discuss the physical details with, of all the people, YOU (ME!). Yeap, thatz what happened…but unfortunately, it didn’t end there. Due to various space-related issues that involved strict grandparents, booze, laptops and cold nights, I (okay, I wasn’t the only victim) had to sit through their slurpy face-sucking noises, among other touchy feely PDA things. I think they single(four?)-handedly put me off booze for good.

This is ironic because before they all actually became “sexually active,” (hahahahahahahhahahahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEhhOOOOOOOOO), we girls decided we would tell each other all the details when it eventually happened to us. I’m the only one left here on the sidelines, unsurprisingly….and I DON’T want to hear ANY of the details, thank you very much. I don’t know if this happened to any of you, but when you discuss sex with your girlfriends, its all great when you talk about what would be toe-curling awesome when there is no face to the guy whoz gonna curl your toes. It’s a whole different story when you’re actually getting some action. Your girlfriends begin to turn all cagey all of a sudden and in the beginning, you hate them for it. Once some of my friends got married, we’d all ask them “how was it?” with eager faces, raised eyebrows full of wonder, glee and sick sick curiosity! Their replies would be hilariously disappointing, sometimes even bordering on clinical “cleanliness”. One gal said “Yes, it was all normal.”!!?? Another one asked ME questions!! “It took me fourteen days of pain before he could put it in all the way! Is that normal???” HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW?? It was ridiculous that this chick was asking me, when I was already equal parts jealous that she gets to do it and I don’t and just as scared listening to her stories. 14 FUCKING NIGHTS OF PAIN?? ARGHHHHH!

Okay, yes, I’ve read more than any normal girl’s share of Mills and Boons and thankfully, the even raunchier American soft-porn novels. I SHOULD know, right? WRONG. They are completely over dramatized, made cloyingly sweet and there is nothing but sex pervading the emotions of those characters. I eventually outgrew them too. Thankfully, some of the real characters in my life began to let me know from their experiences that mostly it’s awkward, but “nice.” (Yea…that was soooo enlightening!) So it’s not all gorgeous raw animalism. There apparently is an element of awkwardness, clumsiness and possibly farts? (Courtesy: Cosmo). BIIIIIIIIG SIGH of relief. So right, you can be a normal sweaty human being and still have sex. I qualify…woooooohoooooo!

And then, I finally kissed a boy; owing mostly to cold nights, but also to the booze and toilet-plunger-noise-making friends I mentioned earlier. When so many are “getting some” all around you, it’s difficult to be a nun forever. Not that the kissing really counts, but face-sucking is better than not fucking, right?

When my girlfriend asked me how it was, I just said “Nice. It was really nice.”