Today, I’m feeling quite low. The overwhelming thought is the crippling fear about the job situation. I slept at around 3:30-4 yesterday night and woke up only at 12:30 in the afternoon. But I could not get myself to get off the bed until 3. I was just wallowing in bed, desperately looking for suitable jobs on LinkedIn and Naukri. There is nothing. Nothing that’ll at least pay me what I used to make. I am so scared. I could freelance, but I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust myself with a job either.
Ideally, I would like to just work from home for a while. Maybe there are ways to make a steady income just from working from home. But that requires immense discipline. Which I don’t have. Never had, really. The main reason for the mess I am in today, at the age of 31. This is the reason why I cannot hold a job, I’ve steadily ruined my reputation as a reliable editor or employee.
I have to build my life back up from scratch. I don’t know how the next two months will play out. I am scared, but worse, this time…there is overwhelming apathy and just the need to sleep it off so I don’t have to think about anything. The more I think, the more I panic. I feel helpless against my will to just get up and get some work done. There is sooooooooo much work to be done. I can’t even get myself organized. And if I don’t, I will not survive. I will have to go back home and become an invalid of sorts. I have had this feeling that I’ll either die a lonely, miserable death or end up in a mental asylum. Now, it seems like I’m actively working towards it. Shouldn’t I be running the other way? It is such a daunting task, and I’m so intimidated. I am so convinced that I cannot do it. I really ought to give it a shot before giving up, no?
You know, I really do just want to be happy and normal and have the energy to do the things I need to do. I want to be engaged in a job I love. I want to work, but I’m so scared of competition and falling short that I won’t even attempt it. I have been running for ages…and here I am. I’ve lost a perfectly wonderful job at a really nice company that was very supportive through all my struggles. I forced them to fire me. I cannot continue like this. I am a financial, emotional, physical wreck. How am I going to survive? My parents are in no stage to help me right now. In fact, I should be the one taking more responsibility and supporting them. I have no plan. I feel like I’m drowning and a big part of me just wants to surrender and drown faster.
Off late, especially the past few months, I blank out…I keep staring at the screen, not being able to focus. My brain feels heavy and hazy. My concentration has completely gone for a toss. However, this is not consistent. I have good days when I’m super-efficient and get a lot done. I manage to check off a lot of tasks on my to-do list. But the “dead days” as I call them, are just one long stupor. My eyes glaze over. I can’t take in anything that is being said. I am not in the moment. I don’t know what to do. Actually, I know what to do. I just am not able to or somehow not willing to bring myself to do it. I am not stupid. I am smart. I know. It’s just going downhill, very fast and it’s all very scary. But a little part of me wants to survive and even thrive. I want to one day look in the mirror and be proud of myself. I so badly do want to get there.