Gratitude

So I began this blog in my mid-twenties, mostly to complain about how I'm not getting laid. That changed for a while, but I'm back to not getting laid. And now I know whining about it isn't really going to get me anywhere (not that actually getting laid did either!) I'll periodically keep posting about my attempts to get laid as well. But meanwhile, I want to start "Gratitude" posts. Just lists of things I'm grateful for, so I remember how much better things are for me...mostly to curb that annoying habit I have of whining too much.

So here goes:

1. I'm really grateful my dad's who he is. I've whined a lot about how he's just another average UNWOKE Indian guy who's sooo horribly entrenched in the patriarchy, but considering where and how he grew up, he's by far a lot more WOKE than I give him credit for. The guy tries. Sure, it can't be easy for him to get bullied by both of us feminazis in the house, and he is an extreme introvert like me, who's actually not had the best of lives, despite everything. I'm really grateful that I can still argue with him...and I KNOW he tortures himself over things silently, just like I do (Why do we inherit these traits only?). I am really grateful that he understands or at least tries to understand me and mom, and he's at heart just a big pile of mush who has trouble expressing himself. I just want him to be happy and healthy and find some sort of fulfillment in life. I hope he stops worrying that I'm not married or whatever. And I just hope we can have real conversations without tearing each other to shreds. But mostly, THANK YOU, for such a great dad!

2. Another thing I've been whining off late, mostly to blame circumstances instead of owning up to my horrible faults, is how I should've studied engineering. I'm really grateful I studied what I did, and I don't EVER want to forget how much fun I had in college and Uni. Those were the few years in my life when I actually felt like I belonged somewhere. For a few years, I had a home, and I don't want to forget that. I made a mess of things later, but for a few years, I was on the precipice of something truly awesome, and I very much needed that after those awful awful US years. And for a long time, I also worked in the field I wanted to. Only after I started running after money and, even worse, started really messing up at work, did things get sidetracked so horribly. It was me. I wholly messed things up for myself. No one else. And still, I've been fortunate enough to not completely be thrown off things. I can still get back into the groove, and I did land a great freelance gig that I enjoy very much. I am grateful for all of this, because if after 10 years of fucked up drudgery, if you don't realize that you've got to enjoy what you do for 8 hours a day, you (me) are a total ass. I'm grateful I still can. I hope I work hard at it and get better and can one day again feel proud of my work.

3. I'm grateful for this fuck-buddy thing that I did to myself. I fell in love with the asshole, despite carefully selecting the guy so I WONT fall in love with him. So, yes...once again, it has been proven. Sex fucks up EVERYTHING. It ended, and I was shattered. It wasn't too great while it lasted either, but it shattered me wayyy worse than I expected it to. Comes of living a very sheltered life, I suppose. Spiralled into depression, messed up my health, still trying to process the very painful life lessons and bitterness. I've changed as a person because of this...not a good change. But I guess this brought home to me how thin-skinned I am, and that's not good. At all. I need to put myself out there for more rejection, so I one day can take it in my stride. Gotta learn detachment. Gotta learn never to put someone else above my own self-worth. Lessons I should've learnt in my early 20s, but I guess I'm glad it happened now. Also, I'm glad it was him and not some potentially much worse guy. I just want to come out of it soon, and relatively thick-skinned now, with enough emotional armor in place for the next time around. But I'm glad it happened.

Big things I'm grateful for. Life lessons, mostly, but I hope I can come back to read these and learn to just be happy about things and whine a little less.