I Don't!

I don't want to have a fucking crush right now. I'm too old for a serious one, and I'm not in a good place mentally. And this shit always drains too much of your energy and takes up too much  of your brain space anyways...stuff that I'm already running low on.

I started this for MY PLEASURE, for heaven's sakes! It was supposed to be about me. Yes, I know that's what I told myself and I KNOW I've never been very good at lying to myself either. Still. We are older now. Supposed to be wiser. And more importantly, we have a lot of growing up to do. Cannot moon over a guy, cannot go all soft and gooey. Need to turn into a bitch. This is about sex, pure and simple. Why the fuck does he talk so much? Gawd. I don't want to know about his fucking past relationships and what kind of a guy he is. I don't I don't I don't!!

And now that I do, and I realize that he's nowhere near an evil Mills and Boon dark and gloomy hero, somehow he's even more endearing. When you realize guys are just like you, you should be put off, no? I mean....oh what the heck...I wish I were that immature and dumb...I wish I didn't value the real...why is it so puddly and melty inside when a guy shares something halfway real? I mean, for fuck's sake...he actually told a story of how he screwed a girl over! And why the fuck did he have to tell me a story of how good he was at his job? Who gives a shit? I don't. I don't want to know. I'm having a horrible identity crisis because I HAVE no career, thank you very much. No one gives a shit about your awesome life and goals and crap. It's just sex and that's all...only delicious, glorious pleasure of the flesh. I want to be a guy. Except, I really really don't want a wee wee, especially after I saw what my hooha looks like. Damn, it's got delicate, mysterious folds of slick, black skin...and as you unfurl the layers, you see this really pink, alive THING that is oozing wet...with the messiness of life. It is beautiful. I had no idea that's what pussies looked like. And I LOVE mine. I cannot believe I thought they were ugly. Thank you for that, dear fuck buddy...although I hate it that I have to thank you for anything. And that I'm letting you occupy so much of my time.

I hope I do work harder at growing up and get this toxin out of my system soon.

I'm finally making up for all the sex I never had. :D I've got me a fuck buddy...did I mention him already? And what a buddy he turned out to be :D He isn't really all that to look at, although he is much better looking than me...(not hard to be). But what enthusiasm! It really really turns me ON! Oh mamma!

And now I realize that sex is also like sleep. The more you have it, the more you want it. Or perhaps I'm just craving it coz I got so close to an orgasm this weekend. Ohmigod, I actually begged him to fuck me. What bliss! :D I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it all. I had no idea sex could be this exciting, especially when emotions are not involved. I like it that we can talk fairly comfortably. I'd bared my body to others before, but getting the words out was like pulling my own teeth out. It's still kind of the same here, but thank god this one's a talker!

Oh oh! And I finally saw my pussy up close this weekend. We actually photographed it...and it's so pretty and exotic! Now I know what Russell Peters meant! Okay, all jokes aside, it was this completely strange thing...that is in me and can give me so much pleasure (and pain). And it was sooo erotic, watching him delicately dip a finger into my juicy cunt...over and over again. Holy fuckin balls!

And apparently, I'm really really good at giving head. It's nice to know I've gotten good at it. I wish I had a medium where I could boast about it...as MYSELF! I was no good at it before, and of course, pretty disgusted with that whole area. It is not really a pretty sight, after all. But this time around, the knowledge that I have the power to make him moan oh-so-deliciously is incredibly sexy...and powerful. I wish I was as open and generous with my compliments. Or perhaps I am.

Coma

I feel like I'm in a coma. Been in one for years. Don't know where life is going, what I'm doing at work, what I should do, what I should think. Sleep has become a drug. Constantly craving it to escape reality. I catch hold of vague ideas floating in my mind on a relatively good day, when I'm feeling marginally alive, and dust up momentum in my head...just so I have something to concrete to think on for a day or two...a moment or two really. Emotions seem soo fleeting. A mood doesn't even last a few hours. Just a couple of hours ago, I couldn't stop grinning about the awesome sex I had this weekend. And now, I'm struggling to even think straight. Will I even wake up? How do I come alive? I want to live...and right now, all I feel like I'm doing is grasping at ephemeral brambles as I dangle off the side of a cliff...dully looking down at the abyss below and wondering if I should just jump. It would be easier, at the very least.