Grotesque cannot be the only thing I am...how can I be good for only one thing? How is this possible? Yet...that's all it seems to be. This is fucked up. Yep...there were warnings. Today, actually, should not have been about this at all. Today should've been about the exciting new job...which I'm really really happy about, by the way. I have gotten an amazing opportunity to learn. I am thrilled to bits about it! And I want this to be the only thing I think about today, but alas, the dark cloud looms. I am incredibly stupid when it comes to matters of the heart. Nothing new there.

I am very very angry. And hurt too. He said it might go this way. I knew it would go this way. I let it happen anyway. Well, I guess lesson learnt. There are always consequences to fun, and it is never a good idea to forget that...cast it aside for a bit of meaningless fun. I am not built for meaningless anything, apparently. This is such bullshit! I hate it that I did this to myself...and I think, more than that, I hate it that I only come across as a fuck toy. I am obviously doing something seriously wrong...I only half know what it is. I apparently don't even know how to attract what I want. All the positive thinking philosophy in the world cannot help me, it seems. I hate men.

Trouble

I am in big trouble. I don't really know the fuck buddy....but because I have too much time on my hands right now (jobless that I am), I've been stalking him on the net wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much. And I'm impressed. intimidated. in awe.

I wish I'd slogged the past decade and got somewhere I was proud of instead of becoming this useless slacker. I wish I acted my age and had leadership skills instead of being this scared thing inside. Yes, there are things I know and there are things I'm good at...but they're very few. After a long time, I've got an opportunity to "be" (in whatever fucked up form) with someone that kinda inspires me a bit. Damn. I remember how it used to feel. Back then, I inspired him too...and he was in awe of me too...we challenged each other. I hate being on the lower rung now. But for the first time in AGES...it feels like I want to slog...work...hone! This excites me! Wow. Haven't felt ALIVE like this in ages....GOOSEBUMPS! :D :D

Whatever this is...it's going to be very very very difficult to tamp down on this...and HIDE this from him. I don't need THAT humiliation on top of everything else. But...why is HE with me? Is it possible I excite him too? I gotta be sensible and tell myself it is just the sex...but...erm...wouldn't there be other girls like me...who're horny and just want no-strings-attached-sex? There are wayyyyy smarter, more independent women out there who can handle this drama better...no?

But then again...maybe it IS as he said...maybe, it is the numbers...right? Are guys in India really that screwed? Thank god...just this once...that I'm not a guy, I think. It's bad enough he's not available for a MONTH! It's already been 3 weeks! Had to go break his face...WHAT a MORON! What else do you expect when you're driving drunk?!! THIS is the guy I'm intimidated by? Dude, he's a guy...after all! Jeez...what else can you expect? ~rolling eyes~ Sigh. But. Alive. Good. Work it!

As shallow and fucked up as this might seem, I'm actually terribly excited for the first time that I'm fucking UP! Does that make sense? He is out of my league...and I get to make him cum! Why does that feel so exciting? I mean, a guy will come if he pumps enough. It's probably not me...but I still like the thought that I could be that exciting in bed! :D

I think he likes it that I'm shy and wanton at the same time. I'm a teensy bit cheesed off that he wants me to be demure (Sigh! Indian guys, I tell you!). Shouldn't I get to decide how I feel? But oh well....this is the first TOTAL stranger I'm fucking...met him ONLY for sex. I'm just surprised it doesn't feel as weird or awkward as I thought it would be. And for now, it's exciting that I'm the aggressor...at least on whatsapp.

The worry, however, is that I'm mighty curious about him as a person...and that won't do. This is supposed to be a strictly sex-only thing. I keep reminding myself that he's an asshole...but...oh what the hell!...he isn't THAT much of an asshole. Just an average guy...who is easy on the eyes. Cute-ass TUSH! :D :D And long long legs....naaaice!

And turns out, I'm a bit of a racist. I've always known I liked South Indian guys....preferred my men on the darker side. This one's fair. Curd rice guy. And he's got hazel eyes. I KNOW that's supposed to be hot...but I'm still ambivalent...can't decide if I'm excited or not about it. Damn...but I LOVE it that he looks into my eyes while kissing. And such sooooooooft lips....yuummm!

But alas...all this...and the orgasm still remains elusive! ~sigh~

I really liked his smell.

I'm probably in deep trouble. I liked how he is a mad mad kisser....just going ALL over the place. And I like how he looks at me...OH SHIT! I AM IN DEEP TROUBLE! Fuck, the sex was exciting. I LOVED how aggressive he was. And how wanton I got. Alas, I am not to think about this stuff too much. Boundaries must be respected.

Verdict: The new fuck buddy rocks! :D