Grotesque cannot be the only thing I am...how can I be good for only one thing? How is this possible? Yet...that's all it seems to be. This is fucked up. Yep...there were warnings. Today, actually, should not have been about this at all. Today should've been about the exciting new job...which I'm really really happy about, by the way. I have gotten an amazing opportunity to learn. I am thrilled to bits about it! And I want this to be the only thing I think about today, but alas, the dark cloud looms. I am incredibly stupid when it comes to matters of the heart. Nothing new there.

I am very very angry. And hurt too. He said it might go this way. I knew it would go this way. I let it happen anyway. Well, I guess lesson learnt. There are always consequences to fun, and it is never a good idea to forget that...cast it aside for a bit of meaningless fun. I am not built for meaningless anything, apparently. This is such bullshit! I hate it that I did this to myself...and I think, more than that, I hate it that I only come across as a fuck toy. I am obviously doing something seriously wrong...I only half know what it is. I apparently don't even know how to attract what I want. All the positive thinking philosophy in the world cannot help me, it seems. I hate men.