Grotesque cannot be the only thing I am...how can I be good for only one thing? How is this possible? Yet...that's all it seems to be. This is fucked up. Yep...there were warnings. Today, actually, should not have been about this at all. Today should've been about the exciting new job...which I'm really really happy about, by the way. I have gotten an amazing opportunity to learn. I am thrilled to bits about it! And I want this to be the only thing I think about today, but alas, the dark cloud looms. I am incredibly stupid when it comes to matters of the heart. Nothing new there.

I am very very angry. And hurt too. He said it might go this way. I knew it would go this way. I let it happen anyway. Well, I guess lesson learnt. There are always consequences to fun, and it is never a good idea to forget that...cast it aside for a bit of meaningless fun. I am not built for meaningless anything, apparently. This is such bullshit! I hate it that I did this to myself...and I think, more than that, I hate it that I only come across as a fuck toy. I am obviously doing something seriously wrong...I only half know what it is. I apparently don't even know how to attract what I want. All the positive thinking philosophy in the world cannot help me, it seems. I hate men.

Trouble

I am in big trouble. I don't really know the fuck buddy....but because I have too much time on my hands right now (jobless that I am), I've been stalking him on the net wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much. And I'm impressed. intimidated. in awe.

I wish I'd slogged the past decade and got somewhere I was proud of instead of becoming this useless slacker. I wish I acted my age and had leadership skills instead of being this scared thing inside. Yes, there are things I know and there are things I'm good at...but they're very few. After a long time, I've got an opportunity to "be" (in whatever fucked up form) with someone that kinda inspires me a bit. Damn. I remember how it used to feel. Back then, I inspired him too...and he was in awe of me too...we challenged each other. I hate being on the lower rung now. But for the first time in AGES...it feels like I want to slog...work...hone! This excites me! Wow. Haven't felt ALIVE like this in ages....GOOSEBUMPS! :D :D

Whatever this is...it's going to be very very very difficult to tamp down on this...and HIDE this from him. I don't need THAT humiliation on top of everything else. But...why is HE with me? Is it possible I excite him too? I gotta be sensible and tell myself it is just the sex...but...erm...wouldn't there be other girls like me...who're horny and just want no-strings-attached-sex? There are wayyyyy smarter, more independent women out there who can handle this drama better...no?

But then again...maybe it IS as he said...maybe, it is the numbers...right? Are guys in India really that screwed? Thank god...just this once...that I'm not a guy, I think. It's bad enough he's not available for a MONTH! It's already been 3 weeks! Had to go break his face...WHAT a MORON! What else do you expect when you're driving drunk?!! THIS is the guy I'm intimidated by? Dude, he's a guy...after all! Jeez...what else can you expect? ~rolling eyes~ Sigh. But. Alive. Good. Work it!