Trouble

I am in big trouble. I don't really know the fuck buddy....but because I have too much time on my hands right now (jobless that I am), I've been stalking him on the net wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy too much. And I'm impressed. intimidated. in awe.

I wish I'd slogged the past decade and got somewhere I was proud of instead of becoming this useless slacker. I wish I acted my age and had leadership skills instead of being this scared thing inside. Yes, there are things I know and there are things I'm good at...but they're very few. After a long time, I've got an opportunity to "be" (in whatever fucked up form) with someone that kinda inspires me a bit. Damn. I remember how it used to feel. Back then, I inspired him too...and he was in awe of me too...we challenged each other. I hate being on the lower rung now. But for the first time in AGES...it feels like I want to slog...work...hone! This excites me! Wow. Haven't felt ALIVE like this in ages....GOOSEBUMPS! :D :D

Whatever this is...it's going to be very very very difficult to tamp down on this...and HIDE this from him. I don't need THAT humiliation on top of everything else. But...why is HE with me? Is it possible I excite him too? I gotta be sensible and tell myself it is just the sex...but...erm...wouldn't there be other girls like me...who're horny and just want no-strings-attached-sex? There are wayyyyy smarter, more independent women out there who can handle this drama better...no?

But then again...maybe it IS as he said...maybe, it is the numbers...right? Are guys in India really that screwed? Thank god...just this once...that I'm not a guy, I think. It's bad enough he's not available for a MONTH! It's already been 3 weeks! Had to go break his face...WHAT a MORON! What else do you expect when you're driving drunk?!! THIS is the guy I'm intimidated by? Dude, he's a guy...after all! Jeez...what else can you expect? ~rolling eyes~ Sigh. But. Alive. Good. Work it!