I Don't!

I don't want to have a fucking crush right now. I'm too old for a serious one, and I'm not in a good place mentally. And this shit always drains too much of your energy and takes up too much  of your brain space anyways...stuff that I'm already running low on.

I started this for MY PLEASURE, for heaven's sakes! It was supposed to be about me. Yes, I know that's what I told myself and I KNOW I've never been very good at lying to myself either. Still. We are older now. Supposed to be wiser. And more importantly, we have a lot of growing up to do. Cannot moon over a guy, cannot go all soft and gooey. Need to turn into a bitch. This is about sex, pure and simple. Why the fuck does he talk so much? Gawd. I don't want to know about his fucking past relationships and what kind of a guy he is. I don't I don't I don't!!

And now that I do, and I realize that he's nowhere near an evil Mills and Boon dark and gloomy hero, somehow he's even more endearing. When you realize guys are just like you, you should be put off, no? I mean....oh what the heck...I wish I were that immature and dumb...I wish I didn't value the real...why is it so puddly and melty inside when a guy shares something halfway real? I mean, for fuck's sake...he actually told a story of how he screwed a girl over! And why the fuck did he have to tell me a story of how good he was at his job? Who gives a shit? I don't. I don't want to know. I'm having a horrible identity crisis because I HAVE no career, thank you very much. No one gives a shit about your awesome life and goals and crap. It's just sex and that's all...only delicious, glorious pleasure of the flesh. I want to be a guy. Except, I really really don't want a wee wee, especially after I saw what my hooha looks like. Damn, it's got delicate, mysterious folds of slick, black skin...and as you unfurl the layers, you see this really pink, alive THING that is oozing wet...with the messiness of life. It is beautiful. I had no idea that's what pussies looked like. And I LOVE mine. I cannot believe I thought they were ugly. Thank you for that, dear fuck buddy...although I hate it that I have to thank you for anything. And that I'm letting you occupy so much of my time.

I hope I do work harder at growing up and get this toxin out of my system soon.