Needless to say, I have a distorted image of my body. I have been "chubby" since 4 and I've jumped to "obese" within a year of landing up in the obesity country. Apart from the innumerable times I wondered what life would have been like if we hadn't moved to the US of A, going over and over the frantic life-altering possibilities of all the "what ifs" and "if onlys," I sometimes wonder if I was actually moderately okay before the move or was it only after we moved back again to India that I began to like my body. It was definitely NOT during the HORRIFYING US years! I prolly can NEVER forgive dad for putting me through high school in the US, despite all the benefits I've reaped from it. Or have I already? Who knows...thatz another blog anywayz.
The very first time I was made to realize i was fat was in lower kg...YES! It was as early as that...and it was my teacher. We had all been issued the school belts and it was her duty to put them on each of her tots. 1) If ONLY she got lazy and just gave each one their belt! But who knows, even mom or dad could've said it, I guess..."You need to cut down on the sweets, MFG." *(I shall hereby refer to myself as MFG, ya'll.) Can't blame her...but I do...wat the fuck! I dont care if she meant it affectionately of watever effin else...you better be nice to fat kids! they're the smart ones and they'll get u in the end...MUHAHAHAHAHa. Anywayz, back to my sob story. Oh gawd, i'm eventually supposed to get to mirrors! Screw it, I'm starting right now...
Back in India, after licking my wounds from the *terrifying high school years*, I actually went to a pretty safe place and had tremendous fun. For obvious reasons, I didnt have too much trouble fitting back in with the crowd in India, despite the reverse culture shock. This time, i guess I was ready for it...there were times when it DID suck tho, but that's just time. (another blog, again!) When you are feeling good about yourself and people actually NOTICE you, I guess its not so hard to realize "Hey, I'm not so bad afterall!" I did well...hell, I was bloody awesome...or could've been if I'd worked my ass off. Never been ambitious tho...so it was all good. And I gradually acquired girl qualities! Holy fuck...not all mirrors are bad...and hellz yea...I CAN pull off wearing jeans (hehe) and actually....I'm not THAT fat, really! WHOAAAAAAAAAa...that was a big one, coz...wait a minute, was I going backwards? Was I getting so defensive that I began to see too good an image in the mirror? This still happens to me. I spent considerable time in front of mirrors...altho not as much as "real girls," and I actually LIKE the way I look...I have killer eyes...altho they're small and not at all the typical beauties that Indian chicks should have. My hair, despite me going almost bald, ROXXXXXX! (Thank you, God...thank you SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much!) and I have a really endearing smile. I am, what you would call..."cute," altho, "uglycute" prolly says it much better. And the lower bits are actually not that bad either. I have seen pix of naked ladies on the net...and...ummm...some do give me a complex, but not that much...I'm not that bad!
Then again, I guess it depends on the mirror....I used to think it was the lighting...i would look better when the light fell on my face (duh!), but no...thatz not it. For example, the mirror in my room and my loo...neither of them has a light above it and I look pretty darn good in 'em...but the one in my parents' room (yes, I still live with my parents at 25..ugh! :() is NOT good...I always look shorter and fatter in it. I've always had "good" mirrors and "bad" mirrors....well, since my return to the homeland...dont remember about the before now. I wonder what this means...is it a flaw in the mirror? do I have a bizarre inferior superior complex (wait a min, wat the fuck is that exactly?)? HOLY BALLS!! What does this all mean? How do I really know how i look to OTHER ppl?? I hope I figure this out one day...coz, its no good however many mirrors i get...I cannot figure out how the others SEE me!
One things for sure tho...the picture-in-picture mirrors in trial rooms are unceasingly cruel. I never want to see myself in the real 3D sense! I guess the capitalists just hate me....I dont fit in their assembly-line boxes.